How I Learned to Love Myself

Don’t mind the messy room! I felt cute today. <3

Valentine’s Day can be a great holiday, but it can also feel sad for many people. I’ve always been single on Valentine’s Day, and this year is no different. And yet, I’m happy. I’m happy because I’ve slowly been learning how to love myself.

There are many reasons people can develop a poor image of themselves. Maybe the pressures of celebrity culture or media influences you. Maybe you compare yourself to friends. Maybe a parent or sibling didn’t love themselves, and they passed that attitude on to you. Maybe you have a mental illness that makes it difficult to see the positive. What I’m writing today isn’t going to be a cure-all for trauma and mental health when it comes to loving yourself. But hopefully there will be something that can help you make a change, and that can start you on your journey.

I used to hate my body. I’ve always been on the bigger side, and at 6’1”, I often feel out of place and awkward in pictures. My friends are beautiful people, and it was hard to feel like I belonged. And aside from my physical looks, I also never felt quite as talented, special, charismatic, smart, whatever it may be, as the people around me. I still don’t sometimes.

I remember trying and failing to diet in high school. I’ve yet to get the hang of exercising. I tore myself apart growing up, sometimes crying to myself because I hated myself so much. I was definitely not happy.

It’s different now, but my path to loving myself better didn’t happen all at once.

It started with a roommate I had in my freshman year of college. She was always so positive about herself and others. She’d say things like “Look at us queens! We’re hot!” She complimented all of us, and it was clear she was genuine. But I think her love for herself influenced me the most. She showed me that women don’t have to hate themselves. I never thought she was arrogant for the things she’d say, because she was a good person, and she spread that light to all of us as well. She made me want to be like her, and by the end of the semester, I was speaking more positively about myself as well.

Speaking positively about yourself is huge. It’s crazy how it really can affect your mindset. You’re essentially voicing your hopes and making them reality. When I told myself I was pretty, or capable, or fun, I didn’t really believe it at first. And yet, it eventually became second nature to speak well of myself, and the negative thoughts felt wrong and out of place. I was better able to recognize the worth in others and in myself.

Trying to stay positive.

In my post, A Plea to Women, I talk about how I don’t believe women should judge or tear each other down. One reason is because we have real influence on each other. When I get complimented by men, it honestly means less to me than when a woman compliments me. If we tear each other down, man or woman, we can have a negative impact that can affect others much more than we realize. Conversely, spreading positivity and and love to one another can create an impact for good that can be far-reaching.

My roommate was a great influence, but she wasn’t the only thing that helped me.

One thing I also tried to do was change my social media habits, and the people I follow. Following accounts negative toward themselves, and obsessed with dieting simply wasn’t healthy to me. When I started following people on Twitter and Instagram who expressed love for themselves and others, it helped me to feel better. You sometimes don’t notice how much all of that can affect you, until you make a change. But the impact is huge. Now I feel sad when I see people post negative things, because I don’t want anyone to ever feel that way about themselves.

Changing my social media habits helped a lot, but there’s still one more lesson that I learned to get me to where I am.

On my church mission to Alabama, I struggled a lot. I felt that I had to be perfect, and I was constantly failing my own expectations, which made me feel like, well, a failure. I was mad at myself constantly. People weren’t listening to me because I wasn’t good enough, I thought.

After several months of this, and after getting on medication for depression, I saw things differently. The medication helped me to feel better, and getting on it if you need it is honestly a great step toward being able to love yourself better.

Along with medication, I also realized something. As missionaries, we spent an hour a day studying scriptures. I read the New Testament, and it made a huge difference. I realized that Jesus was perfect, the perfect teacher, and yet people still rejected Him. It wasn’t because He wasn’t good enough, it was simply because everyone is different, we all make different choices, and some people chose stagnant negativity over positive change. I wasn’t Jesus, I wasn’t perfect, so of course people would reject me and the message, if people rejected Him.

Did Jesus love Himself? Yes, I think He did. And that doesn’t make Him arrogant or self-centered, it just means He could see Himself and His worth clearly.

We all have worth. Nobody can take that away from us. As a religious person, I know I have worth in the eyes of God, and that gives me strength. If you’re not religious, it may be harder to find your source of worth, but that’s okay. You do have worth. It’s inherent to you, not based upon the views or opinions of others.

I also believe loving yourself also means accepting your flaws, and being willing to grow and change. I don’t think you can fully love yourself if you don’t fully see yourself. I don’t take care of my body the way I probably should, and I want to get better. That doesn’t take away from my ability to love myself. I’m bad at reaching out to others for help or just to say hi. That doesn’t take away from my ability to love myself. I love to argue and can find it hard to take someone seriously if I don’t feel like they know what they’re talking about. This can make me be rude or arrogant sometimes. That doesn’t take away from my ability to love myself.

Yes, I have a tummy. And I’m cute.

I’m working on improving myself, and I think it’s because I love myself. I want to be the best version of me, but that doesn’t mean my current version isn’t also good and deserving of love.

The path to loving yourself will probably look different. But good friends, positive self-talk, good social media feeds, medication, and self-acceptance can all make an impact.

I’m definitely not perfect, but I’m better. And that brings me a lot of happiness… even when I’m single on Valentine’s Day.