“The name of the game is not instructing one's fellows, or even persuading them, but thinking with them and trusting the argument to lead to understanding, sometimes to very unexpected understandings.”

Stringfellow Barr, Notes on Dialogue

My name is Joe (he/him or they/them) and I am a Queer Christian. Queer, to me, describes my anything-but-straight sexuality as well as my tendency to blur gender norms in how I present myself socially (how I dress, dance, speak, etc). While the word used to be used as a negative slur, I find it adequately encapsulates the ambiguity and fluidity of my sexuality and expression. It’s a term without boxes. I think my one claim to fame may be that I’m the first man to consistently wear high heels on the campus of BYU-Idaho. Some niche historian may have to check me on that, but taking into account Rexburg, Idaho’s more conservative nature, I’m sure it’s a safe assumption to make. I usually wear heels for two reasons: 1) they make me feel confident as HECK and 2) I live for people’s reactions. Some may take that as vanity, but I see it as adjusting people’s paradigms or ways of thinking. I’m showing them that people like me can exist in a religious school environment. And not only can they exist, they can thrive.

This idea of paradigm shifts is a core part of my personal mission. We each go about our lives entirely convinced of our personal way of thinking. If we interact with an idea that doesn’t fit into our paradigm we can have some major cognitive dissonance. This provides the opportunity for two main choices: chuck it as a falsity OR study it out and consider its potential truth. This kind of situation is often encountered as we interact with people.

Such situations are occurring recently within the LGBTQ+ community of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There have been recent changes to the church’s policy regarding its LGBTQ+ members. Furthermore, Church sponsored schools removed and then reinstated the “homosexuality clause” stating that any “homosexual behavior” was grounds for removal from campus. I will not offer an opinion or go more into detail on this topic, you can check out the links here and here, I am also not an authority on these kinds of issues. However, I want to discuss how we need to interact during difficult discussions and how being a member of the LGBTQ+ community has taught me this.

Being a minority gives you an interesting perspective of the world. Whether an individual is a minority of race, ethnicity, gender identity, sexual orientation, political persuasion, religion, etc. they may have seen how their experiences could be invalidated by the prevalence of the majority. This invalidation could be done intentionally or unintentionally, but it nonetheless creates much distress in the life of the minority, often without the majority’s knowing. What’s so interesting about being a minority is that it can change depending on where you place yourself. A Muslim in Iran and a Muslim in Texas will have two very different experiences. This helps us to understand that this whole idea of an “in-group” and an “out-group” is socially constructed. We all have experiences, opinions, and knowledge that others do not. This should not divide us, but rather unite us.

I recently returned from an LGBTQ+ conference which focuses its efforts around the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I was surrounded by hundreds of people who understood my experiences as a Queer Christian and I felt like I could be myself without judgment. On the other hand, my straight, cisgender mother came with me and suddenly she was the minority. But her experiences were never invalidated. She’s surely had her times of ignorance, as we all have had, but she has applied herself to understanding those who are different from her rather than invalidating them based on her experiences.

It is upon these principles that a healthy society must be built upon. A society where everyone feels, believes, looks, and acts the same is a community in danger of GroupThink. This is where a group/community’s overarching belief system is so strong that it cuts out anything contrary to it, often developing a one-sided perspective of the world which its members are unaware of. A better, healthier solution to this is solved by two of my personal mantras:

“Seek to understand before being understood.”

“You don’t have to understand, you just have to be understanding.”

Our society is chock-full of strong-willed individuals convinced of their personal paradigm. We, these individuals, feel very validated in our beliefs. We often come from a place of great concern whether that be for people’s eternal salvation, the wellbeing of our nation or state, the preservation of an idea/resource, or any other idea or cause. We therefore need to see the integrity found in an individual’s opinion before jumping to conclusions. May I suggest this helpful but in no way exhaustive list of how to navigate discussions with those you disagree with:

Enter the discussion with the willingness to have your stance/perspective changed.
Remember that the individual is coming from a place of integrity, with many experiences which they feel validate their beliefs.
Seek to understand their perspective, remembering that you may have personal biases blocking you from understanding their perspective.
Ask reflective questions like “I feel like what you’re saying is … is that correct?” so that the individual feels fully heard and understood by you.
Expect the same from them as you share your perspective, being patient with them as they also seek to understand.
Once you feel like you understand the other side, discuss how some of their perspectives may make you feel uncomfortable/unsafe and show how your experience supports that (and allowing them to do the same).
Be at peace with disagreeing (remember, plurality is good), but bask in the glory that is understanding the STORY behind an individual’s belief.

It is the principle of hearing other people’s stories which makes this so powerful. Brene Brown (may heaven keep and bless her) says that “People are hard to hate close up. Move in.” May we seek to learn the story behind every person, to learn the experiences they have had which support their beliefs, and come to a fuller understanding of humanity. Stay wary of GroupThink, and consistently question your own beliefs. By doing so you will become a better person and create a better society.

If you’d like to hear more about my story, check out a podcast I did on Spotify, Soundcloud, or iTunes.

Queerness and GroupThink

How to Make Yourself Do the Thing