A Plea to Women

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

I actually watched the Superbowl this past Sunday. I don’t care about sports at all, but a roommate wanted to watch, so I joined in. While I didn’t particularly care about the game, I watched the halftime show and was so impressed. There were two powerful women, at ages 43 and 50, who looked good, put on a fun show, and even spread a powerful message about the kids in cages at the border. Their songs are genuine bops, and it was honestly the highlight of the game.

Then I logged onto social media.

I’ll be honest, I was not expecting to see so many people, especially women, upset with the performance. I saw posts from several women talking about how they were disgusted with the clothing and dancing of the two performers. It surprised me, and it made me sad.

Now, I understand to a point. Mormons especially are taught that modesty, which is usually interpreted as covering your shoulders and wearing clothes to your knees, is an important value. It’s actually a principle that I follow, because I do believe it’s important, and I also feel more comfortable dressing that way. However, this doesn’t mean I don’t have issues with the way it can be taught, and with the way people can negatively internalize this principle.

Standards of modesty have changed throughout history. It used to be scandalous to show ankles, and I’ll bet if someone did, women would have been saying similar things about them as they are about J-Lo and Shakira. Women always seem to be so concerned with what other women are wearing and doing. Why? Many of the posts I’ve seen claim they are upset because they don’t think it’s appropriate for their children to see.

Let’s think about that for a second. What is a child going to think if, when they are watching two women performing, a parent says, “Oh no, turn that off, that’s way too inappropriate!” They will likely internalize the idea that women’s bodies are inherently inappropriate and bad. What does it teach boys? That the way women dress is up for them to judge and comment on.

“You can tell who the strong women are. They are the ones you see building one another up instead of tearing each other down.” -Anonymous

I’m reminded of the book Educated by Tara Westover. She had a brother constantly calling her a whore for wearing makeup and dressing up. That same brother treated his girlfriend with a complete lack of respect. If men are taught that what women wear and how they act gives them a right to judge and to disrespect them, our patriarchal, victim-blaming society stays.

I was in a church lesson once wear the teacher said modesty is important because men have a harder time controlling themselves, so women need to be aware of that so we don’t tempt them more. To that, I loudly exclaimed, “That’s bullcrap!” I get it, this lady was older and that’s the idea she grew up with, but women don’t have to accept that anymore. We can expect better from men. What women wear and how they act does not excuse men’s behavior. If a dog can control itself and not eat a treat when someone says no, a man can control himself as well. Women get harassed and attacked even when wearing clothing head to toe, so clothes have nothing to do with it. We as women have somehow decided to continue letting it be an excuse for men.

I’m over that.

I’ve also heard people say, “Well if women don’t want to be seen as objects, they should stop dressing and acting like it!” I will repeat again, what women wear and how they act does not excuse men’s behavior.

In the Bible, Jesus says “But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell,” (Matthew 5:28-19).

In the Doctrine and Covenants, a supplemental book of scripture members of the LDS church read, there is this verse, “And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit; and if he repents not he shall be cast out,” (D&C 42:23).

Neither of these verses say anything about how the woman was dressed, or what she was doing, because it doesn’t matter. Our choices are all our own. I don’t think “she made me do it” is really going to fly with God.

However, these verses are mostly speaking to men. I still want to address women. So, to my fellow women, why? Why continue to uphold this system? Why perpetuate beliefs that only disadvantage us? Where is the same outrage when a President says things like “grab her by the p***y” and is known to have cheated on his wife? What does that teach your children if you can let those things slide, but not what women wear and how they act?

It’s completely possible to teach children the importance of your values without tearing other women down in the process. You can tell them that you don’t dress or act like that because of personal beliefs, but people in the world all have different beliefs, and that’s okay. Some women are more conservative than us, others less. Women’s bodies are powerful, and they’re powerful in that they’re all different. Women are most empowered when we accept that we can choose to live differently, and that that’s okay.

Kids are smart. They can handle topics like racism, injustice, inequality. They can handle this.

It makes me sad to see women tearing others down, especially for something like this. Especially Mormon women. Imagine if a woman is thinking about learning more about the church, but this is they attitude they encounter. They will not feel welcomed, and we will have failed in our mission to love one another.

When the scribes and pharisees brought to Jesus a woman taken in adultery (and not the man, of course), Jesus gave her space, and said, “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her,” (John 8:7). He then forgave the woman. He had compassion and love toward her. We are not the judges of each other. We are called to love one another. None of us is perfect. Can we simply try to have a little more love in this world?

I found a quote today by someone unknown, but I really like it. It says, “You can tell who the strong women are. They are the ones you see building one another up instead of tearing each other down.” Please, let’s all be strong women.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash